Welcome to Paradise
Welcome to Paradise is the first episode of season one of Paradise PD. Synopsis Kevin Crawford gets accepted into Paradise Police Department, by his mayoral mother Karen, much to the disapproval of his father, Randall. Plot Kevin Crawford reminisces about how ever since childhood, he's always wanted to be a cop, just like his father, Randall Crawford. Randall was always supportive of Kevin's dream all throughout childhood and showed him the ins and outs of being a cop. One fateful day, Kevin got ahold of dad's gun and walked into his bedroom, while he and his wife, Karen Crawford were having sex. Kevin played with the gun and accidentally fired a bullet straight into Randall's testicle, bursting it and causing him to scream in pain. Kevin tried to help him but he accidentally shot the gun again, blowing up Randall's other testicle. In present day, Kevin has just recently turned 18, his father has become a very unsatisfied man, since the event, and Karen had divorced with him a while back. Kevin asks Randall if he can become a cop, now that he's old enough, but Randall strongly refuses, since he's long opposed this idea, ever since Kevin shot him in the balls. Randall blames the destruction of his testicles on Karen dumping him, but Kevin reminds him that she made it very clear what the reason she left him was. This was because of Randall was hateful toward Kevin, sexist against women, and quick to outbursts of anger. Randall still refuses to accept this and it's also established that Karen has become the mayor of Paradise, after their divorce and that Randall has to use Testosterone Patches, just to maintain his masculinity, since he's no longer getting it from his testicles. At Paradise Police Department, Randall starts bossing everyone around and we are introduced to the workers at the police station. The female worker, Gina Jabowski sexually harasses the fat idiot, Dusty Marlowe, by honking his boob and yanking his dick and Dusty shows Gina a restraining order, telling her to keep off. The drug dog, Bullet, goes into the evidence locker and snorts a ton of cocaine, coming up with the rationalization that he can't sniff out drugs if he doesn't know what they smell like, which Randall admits is actually a good point. The black guy, Gerald Fitzgerald talks about his meditation practices and the gay old man, Stanley Hopson wakes up from his nap, yelling out nonsensical stories about how he used to be the prettiest girl in high school. Randall tells the crew that they're going through budget cuts and that they only have 12 bullets to last them the rest of the month and they can't even afford Stanley's pension for retirement. Randall yells at his workers for not doing any work. Gerald was too afraid to leave the cop car all last month because he had PTSD and he needed to meditate to calm himself down, allowing for Dusty to get beaten shitless, by a bunch of ruffians and Stanley pulled over a suspicious looking colored fellow, who was just Gerald. Gina mentions that she was actually doing some work and scrapbooking all of her arrests. However, she takes things a bit too far. For instance, in her first arrest, she tazed a guy for littering. She also beat the crap out of her psychologist for having an unpaid parking ticket. Gerald criticizes the fact that their company logo looks like a puckering butthole. Kevin walks into the police station, in uniform, announcing that he's officially become a cop, after being assigned that duty by Karen. Karen enters and says that as mayor, she has the power to do that, much the infuriation of Randall. Karen does note, however, that Kevin is the only new member the police force can afford with their current monetary status and right now, they need him. To add insult to injury, Karen also introduces to Randall her new boyfriend, Dr. Dinkle, a rich and nerdy dentist, who Randall becomes insanely jealous of. However, his rage for their love can't be dwelt upon for too long because he needs to focus on Kevin being a new cop. Having low expectations for him, Randall assigns him the job of being a crossing guard. Just then, Paradise P.D. receives a call to adventure, when they're alerted to the presence of a suspicious package across town. Paradise PD goes across town to investigate the suspicious package. They fear that it might be a bomb and none of them want to get blown up. So Randall finds a random hobo on the street and sends him in to observe the package. All the hobo finds in there is a pack of Argyle Meth. Randall and Dusty go into detail about how Argyle Meth is a new illegal drug that's going around town, famous for being as deadly as it is decorative and that they need to crack down on the person, responsible for creating it. Randall gives the Argyle Meth to Bullet and entrusts him with putting it away int he evidence locker. Unsurprisingly, Bullet hosts a drug party instead of doing the responsible thing and invites all of his dog friends over, including his best bro, Buster. Bullet introduces the Argyle Meth and all of the dogs take the drugs for themselves and don't leave any behind for him, much to his disappointment. All of the dogs immediately drop dead after taking the drugs and Bullet sees on the bag, that one of the main ingredients in Argyle Meth is chocolate, making him not only thankful that he survived but guilty that he indirectly caused all of his friends to die. Overnight, Bullet hides this by dragging all of the dead dogs back to their respective homes and writing suicide notes for them, so nobody knows it was really him. The next day at work, Randall found out about the suicide pack and was none the wiser to the fact that this was clearly staged by Bullet. Bullet nervously shows Randall the ingredients label on the bag and suggests that the dogs used this to kill themselves. Kevin says that they can use these ingredients to track down who made the drugs if only they knew what kind of chocolate it was. Dusty immediately identified these as "choconators", because he's so fat and Kevin knows exactly where choconators are sold. Kevin goes to Paradise VHS, and interrogates the hillbilly store owners, Robby and Delbert about the Argyle Meth. Robby and Delbert claim they have no involvement with making drugs and all they sell are choconators and movies with oddly specific titles. Delbert starts popping a bag of popcorn and the sound of the popping frightens Kevin, making him think that it's gunfire. Kevin starts rapidly firing his gun all over the room, destroying the whole store, and wasting the last of the police department's limited and miniscule supply of bullets. Kevin gets into a lot of trouble with his dad for this and he gets a severe lip lashing in his office. Randall becomes so mad that he puts on a bunch of Testosterone Patches, way more than he's supposed to use at once, which sends way too much testosterone coursing through his blood, causing him to transform into a giant, demon monster, who breaks through the wall and smashes a car ... his own car. Kevin goes back to Paradise VHS to apologize for the way he acted before, but when he gets there, he sees Robby and Delbert working in a meth lab, creating Argyle Meth, proving his previous accusations to be true. Kevin arrests them on the spot. Bullet continues to guilt trip himself about how he killed his friends. He swears off ever doing drugs. After five seconds of sobriety, he starts hallucinating cocaine, bong, and Argyle Meth as anthropomorphic characters, talking to him. Cocaine and Bong beg Bullet to return to smoking them, claiming that it wasn't their fault that Bullet's friends died. It was all Argyle Meth's fault. Argyle Meth rudely argues back at them. Bullet eventually shuts them all up and sends them away, continuing to go cold turkey. Kevin brings Robby and Delbert in for interrogation and after little to no trying, Kevin immediately gets Delbert to spill the beans about who they work for, a man who's known as Terry Two-Toes. Kevin brings this information to Randall and Randall orders everyone to look for this Terry Two-Toes guy. Randall refuses to congratulate Kevin for his great work, saying that he not only did too much damage before, but he also uncovered their secret plan, sheerly off of dumb luck. Meanwhile, at Terry Two-Toes Secret Hideout, Terry Two-Toes and all of his meth workers and making Argyle Meth and Terry Two-Toes expresses the greatness of the drug by singing the song, "Argyle Meth is the Best Meth is Town". He explains the ingredients of the drug and also mentions that when he took it himself, it made him chew eight of his toes off, earning him his nickname. Fitz and Hobo Cop go to the Paradise Pentecostal Church to interview Preacher Paul about Terry Two-Toes since Terry-Two toes used to attend Sunday school there when he was a kid. Preacher Paul doesn't give them any information because he's too distracted by the fact that Hobo Cop is eating pages of The Bible, wearing a sock over his dick, and shitting through his penis into the sock. Kevin interviews Mrs. Two-Toes about her son so that he can find out how to arrest him. However, Mrs. Two-Toes was obviously not going to help him arrest her son, so when he came in there, she attacked him with a chainsaw. Fortunately, Kevin blocked the chainsaw with his crossing guard stop sign and used one of Mrs. Two-Toes' decorative chicken statues to knock her out cold. Kevin is so happy with the fact that he knocked out an old woman and calls him dad to tell him all about it. When Kevin calls Randall, Randall is too busy, spying on Karen and Dr. Dinkle on their date at The Red Lobster to pay any attention. Randall plans on sabotaging their date so that Dr. Dinkle won't be able to propose to Karen. He throws a mustard gas bomb in there, but even with them both choking and wheezing, with bloodshot eyes, Dr. Dinkle doesn't let it ruin the moment and proposes marriage to her. Karen happily accepts and Randall throws his helmet and binoculars on the ground, completely pissed off. The next day, Randall screams at his employees because of none of them being able to find Terry Two-Toes. Just then, Terry Two-Toes himself walks right in and introduces himself. Terry threatens to kill them all for what Kevin did do his mother and he and his men start firing guns at them. Everyone shields themselves by hiding behind Dusty and after Terry leaves, Dusty drops to the ground, filled with bullet holes. Dusty gets taken to Paradise Hospital, where Dr. Fudlicker notifies the others that thankfully, the bullets only broke through one of his ten layers of fat, so none of the bullet wounds were fatal or even that harmful. Dusty sneezes, causing all of the bullets to come flying out of his body, killing a bunch of nurses. At this time, Randall fires Kevin and Karen sadly supports him on this. Karen says that being a cop is too dangerous of a job for her son and she doesn't want him to risk his life anymore. Kevin is really mad about having to lose his job but he has no other choice. He hands in his crossing guard uniform and Randall says he doesn't want it. Fitz and Hobo Cop sit in a car, just outside of Sniffles Pharmacy, where a robbery is taking place. Fitz is either too scared or too lazy to do anything about it. So, he just sits on his asshole in the car, while Hobo Cop eats a bunch of air fresheners. As the robbery takes place, Hobo Cop notices someone named "Betty" in the middle of the chaos. Hobo Cop gets out of the car and runs after her and Fitz freaks out. Hobo Cop manages to dodge every bullet fired by the robber and he bodyslams the robber into a trashcan, defeating him without breaking a sweat. Hobo Cop finally saves "Betty", who turns out to just be a shopping cart full of worthless junk. Fitz asks Hobo Cop how he's able to deal with fear like that and Hobo Cop says that ever since he became a hobo, he's never felt fear before. Fitz asks him to "teach him his ways" and Hobo Cop gives Fitz a sensei and ninja-like training montage, where he teaches him the ways of the vagabond. Bullet has a nightmare about going to Dog Heaven and seeing all of his friends he killed. In his dream, Buster tells him that he and the other dogs are having so much fun in Dog Heaven and they're saying that death is the best thing that's ever happened to them. Bullet wakes up, happy and realizes that now he can do drugs again. Kevin throws a fit in the holding cell at Paradise Police Department and Robby and Delbert, who are currently arrested in there, ask him what the big deal is. Kevin tells them that he just got fired, right when he was just about to discover where Terry Two-Toes' secret hideout was. Delbert once again spills the beans and they both take Kevin to the hideout but they disguise him as an Italian man. At the hideout, Kevin learns straight from Two-Toes himself, that he plans on killing the mayor, which frightens him because the mayor is his mother, Karen Crawford. Kevin calls Karen to warn her about Terry Two-Toes but instead of heeding his warnings, Karen just scolds him for getting involved with dangerous stuff and hangs up on him. At the time, she's at Dinkle's Dentistry with her boyfriend, Dr. Dinkle. Dr. Dinkle comes into the room and Karen suggests they have sex. However, Dr. Dinkle reveals that he's actually Terry Two-Toes in disguise and he tries to kill her. At Paradise Police Department, Stanley gets a phone call, likely from Karen, but he's too nutty to answer the phone and he answers a gun instead before falling back to sleep, while the phone continues ringing. Kevin manages to figure out Terry Two-Toes' plan all by himself and tracks them down to Dinkle's Dentistry, right where everything is taking place. Everyone from the police department, including Hobo Cop is there and they all team up to stop the criminals. Despite all of Kevin's work to help out the team, they still don't want him to join them. Kevin gets mad again and leaves in a huff. The rest of Paradise P.D. fights the criminals on their own. They all use things from their previous experiences to fight the criminals. First, they go in and use Dusty as a shield, while the guards shoot at him. None of the bullets effect them, because they're only breaking through the second layer of his ten layers of fat. Fitz goes up to the guards and attacks them with a bindle and they make it inside. There are more cops in there and Bullet tickles Dusty's nose, causing him to sneeze all the bullets out of his body, killing everyone in the room. Paradise P.D. breaks into the dentist room, where Terry-Two Toes has Karen all tied up. Randall gets ready to arrest him but then Terry opens the cabinet door to reveal a bunch of bombs in there that he can detonate with the push of a button. Bullet steps in to fight him, by summoning the ghosts of all his dead dog friends to attack Terry and save the day. However, it soon turns out that this is all just a hallucination and Bullet is just inhaling a tank of nitrous oxide. Kevin comes back in to save the day again and he used his metal shop skills to turn his stop sign into a ninja throwing star. He throws the stop sign at Terry Two-Toes, chopping his arm off, the arm that's holding the bomb button. Gina steps in and arrests Terry, claiming this as her 100th arrest to go in her scrapbook. Randall sets Karen free and Karen falls back in love with Randall again and she plans to go on a date with him. Randall sends Hobo Cop to defuse the bomb. Fitz doesn't want Hobo Cop to die, so he brings in a Bomb Defusing Robot, that he was able to buy, after giving up his worldly possessions. Unfortunately, this bomb defusing robot was made by Samsung, so the robot blows itself up. At Paradise P.D. Randall admits that he was wrong about Kevin and finally congratulates him for saving the day and awards him, by letting him become a cop. Kevin is so happy to finally become a cop for real and get the job he's always wanted. Randall gets ready for his date with Karen, but because he wasted all his testosterone patches, he doesn't have anything to keep him manly, so he springs up a big fat pair of tits. Terry Two-Toes sits in the holding cell late that night and then a mysterious figure comes in to see him. Terry thanks him for letting him out, implying that this mystery person is an ally of his in the Argyle Meth corporation. However, the mystery person shoots Terry to death. It's also revealed that whoever this mystery person is, it's a worker at Paradise P.D., meaning that someone at the police department is a double agent, also working for the Argyle Meth corporation and they just turned on Terry Two-Toes. Characters Major Roles *Kevin Crawford *Randall Crawford *Bullet *Gina Jabowski *Dusty Marlowe *Gerald Fitzgerald *Stanley Hopson *Karen Crawford *Hobo Cop *Terry Two-Toes *Dr. Dinkle Minor Roles *Robby *Delbert *Dr. Fudlicker *Preacher Paul *Buster *Mrs. Two-Toes *Betty *T-Shirt Pig (Pictured) Trivia *This is the first episode of the series. *It's revealed that Kevin wanted to be a cop, just like his father, ever since childhood. However, he shot his father in the testicles when he was 5, which got his father to go against him ever becoming a cop. *Karen divorced Randall, when Kevin was between the ages of 5 and 18. She said it was because he was a stubborn, sexist, piece-of-shit asshole, who said a woman could never be mayor. Sometime after divorcing him, Karen did, in fact, become the mayor. *Kevin took up metal shop in college and got an "A". *Gerald used to be a cop in Chicago, but a traumatic incident happened to him, giving him PTSD. *Gina keeps a record of every single arrest she's made, throughout her career. In this episode, she reached the milestone of making her 100th arrest. *Dusty noted how the colors of Argyle Meth are similar to the color patterns on Scottish kilts. Later, Bullet had a hallucination of Argyle Meth as an anthropomorphic character. As a character, Argyle Meth was portrayed as a Scottish highlander. *This episode takes place on September 25th, 2018, as proven by a video tape of this episode's events, that was seen in the future episode, "Parent Trap". Cultural References *The title of this episode mirrors the first episode of Brickleberry titled, "Welcome to Brickleberry". *In Kevin's flashback of his 5-year-old self imitating and cussing his his father, he was seen pinning a Kermit the Frog doll to the wall, pretending it was a criminal. *The Paradise Peeper newspaper read that everybody hates cops almost as much as Kathy Griffin. This is a reference to Kathy Griffin posting a picture of herself decapitating Donald Trump, which rose controversy and got everybody to hate her. *One of Randall's sexual acts with Karen, he mentioned was, "Dropping his balls over her eyes, so she could pretend she's the Hamburglar." *Stanley said that in 1941, he fingered Mickey Rooney. *Randall created the logo for his company with Microsoft Paint. *Dusty remembers Wikipedia articles instead of having friends. *The name "Hobo Cop" is a pun on "Robo Cop". *Paradise VHS used to be a Blockbuster. *The movie "I Know You're a Cop" features the actor, Frank Stallone. *The movie "I Know Why You're Here. I'm Gonna Kill You Right Here in This Video Store." is a movie about a bipolar goat, who manages a Blockbuster. *The movie "Come in the Back, Kiss Me on the Lips, and Smack my Ass Like the Pig I Am." features the actress, Kathy Bates. *Gerald gives Hobo Cop a bottle of Purell, because he's so filthy. *Randall snottily states that the Argyle Meth case is very serious, and not some "Mickey Mouse Shit". We then cut to Terry Two-Toes and his lackeys creating Argyle Meth, while singing a spontaneous musical number, that parodies those from Disney movies. *Hobo Cop eats pages from the Book of Deuteronomy. *Robby and Delbert disguised Kevin as an Italian man and gave him the false name, "Galaga Dig Doug", named after the two arcade games of the same names. *When asked about Kevin's name, Robby and Delbert forgot what it was, but they remembered it was something to do with video games, so they said that it was "Pole Position Pacman Jr. Frogger Asteroids Sega Master System". All of these are also arcade games, except for "Sega Master System", which is a video game system. *Karen and Dr. Dinkle go on a date at Red Lobster. *Hobo Cop used to be the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway, ''which means he is ''Warren Buffet. *Gerald says that Richard Branson is a CEO with a scraggly beard filled with feces. *Bullet name drops "All Dogs Go to Heaven", when he brings his ghostly friends back from the dead. *Gerald's bomb-defusing robot malfunctions and blows up, because it was made by Samsung. This is a reference to how Samsung made a bunch of phones that kept exploding. *Randall's way of not admitting he was wrong is a reference to The Fonz from Happy Days. *Randall makes a sappy, but disgusting speech to Kevin and Bullet notes that he read that exact quote on a Hallmark card. See Also Category:Episodes